"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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