i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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