we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize