Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
