so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
