I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize