I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize