fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
