i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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