I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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