420 ftw
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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