Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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