You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
