so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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