I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
