So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
