happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
