my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
