My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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