im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
