It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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