Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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