if i can run in heels then i can drive
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
