WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
