Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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