So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
