Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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