i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
