apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
