If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
