a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
