I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
