i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
