The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
