The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
