i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
