I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
