hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
