I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Randomize
