I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
