Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
