I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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