god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
