Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
