I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
