i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
