12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
