Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
