never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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