if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
