so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
