I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
