I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
