hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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