I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
