oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
