I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
